Sunday, February 26, 2017

When God's Plan Doesn't Make Sense

 Hello everyone, I hope this post is not too confusing.  I had a lot I wanted to say and I did my best to write it in a way that flowed well and that "made sense".  :)

I am sure everyone has an experience or at least has heard of an experience where something seemed to be going great or you knew for sure what was happening was a part of God's perfect plan...just to watch it be destroyed. Maybe you met the man of your dreams, had a wonderful wedding and then month's later it fell apart.  Or, maybe you lost your job, quickly found another job that seemed perfect and then a week later they let you go.  Maybe you lost a child in a miscarriage or an adoption fell through.  Maybe you just knew that this would be the perfect time to get pregnant, but you couldn't.   All of these things are hard to find the "silver lining".  What good can come out of any of these situations?

When these things happen it is easy to start questioning God...whether you are directly related to the situation or not.  How could God allow that to happen?  What is he thinking?!

These questions are understandable and I think God understands our frustration.  But, we have to make sure we seek understanding in the right ways.  Although doubt may creep in we have to look to the Bible and other Christians for truth.  

Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."

Romans 8:18 says, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

We should not fear because we know that in the end, whether here on this earth or one day in heaven, we will see God's goodness.  His plan will be revealed and we will see what God had in store.  Until then, we can rest in His comfort. 

Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Another thing we should consider is where are we putting God vs. the people and things in our lives?  Are we putting His plan above our own?

Philippians 3:8
"Indeed, I count everything as a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I might gain Christ"

This verse can be really hard to read.  I will "count them as rubbish"?  In case you didn't know, the word "rubbish" means trash.  I will count all things as trash.  Now, like I have said before... I am not a Bible scholar but I don't think this verse is trying to say that our family, children, and fur-babies are trash but I do think it means we should be putting Christ at the forefront and that we should be looking to God above all things.  We should be giving all of our earthly things to Christ and putting Him above it all.  We know that He is the ultimate prize.  If we put God first, we are able to see more clearly and may even be able to trust His plan more fully.

Do you put God at the forefront?
I'll be honest.  The answer about 85% of the time for me is "NO".  So often I look to this world to fulfill my needs/wants.  I plan out my life and try and make things just right.  I look to my husband to make me happy, I look to my friends to find my worth, I look to my students to boost my sense of achievement and rarely do I seek God to find these things.  Rarely do I seek God when my plans change and the outcomes don't make sense.   If I could learn to put God at the forefront I would not be so self-focused, I would be happier, I would be less stressed and I would be better at loving others!  I may even be able to see God even when the plan does not go the direction I thought it would.  I might be able to feel His comfort no matter the outcome. 

Colossians 1:16
"For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him."

I hope that I will be better at putting God first.  In doing so, I will find peace when things don't go my way and if I give all the other stuff to God, I may be able to find peace in the midst of challenges because I know that what I had or what could have been was not mine to begin with.  It is all His.   

So, when God's plans don't make sense...let's seek Him and make sure we are searching for answers in the right places.  Not looking to ourselves and our knowledge to figure it out. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

Overcoming Fear

A few weeks ago I attended a leadership retreat with my church.  It was a great time to make some new friends and to have some much needed alone time with God.  Our leader gave us a chapter in Psalms to read, Psalm 46.  It is a great chapter that talks about God being our strength and help in times of trouble.  The part of the chapter that really stood out to me were verses 1-3...

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling."

If you really think about these verses you realize that what you are going through may seem HUGE but in reality, it is not.  These verses are talking about HUGE events... mountains moving into the sea...that would be a HUGE event that could potentially take many lives.  If God is present during times of natural disaster...he is definitely present during times of "disaster" in our lives.  Whether it be your day to day stresses or feeling deep heartache or loss.

Another part of this verse that I find even more important is the part about fear...

 I don't know about you, but when I was a kid I was fascinated by natural disasters.  I loved watching Twister and documentaries about natural disasters.  Now, don't get me wrong, I was terrified of them.  If I knew a tornado might be coming I would come close to having a panic attack.  My childhood friend, Jaimie, and I watched a movie about earthquakes once and I was terrified to go over fear that an earthquake would hit and the bridge would collapse.  I have always thought that there was nothing more scary than a natural disaster.  They are unpredictable and in a lot of cases, there is no escaping them. 

So, if we should not fear even during times of natural disaster, we should definitely not fear during times of personal "disaster".  I have been fearful during this time of  infertility.  I am afraid that my dream of being able to have my own child with be shot down, that I won't be able to provide my husband with a child of his own, and that I may not be able to continue the family line.  I am afraid that I will grow angry over time and that my heart will be hardened.  I am afraid that I will forever feel pain deep inside when I see a pregnant woman walking down the street. These feelings are all completely understandable, but we must not stay here.   Or else we will be miserable and we will not be able to show others the love of God.

We are not to fear because God is our refuge!  He is our strength!  He is within us, all we need to do is turn to him during these times of need and He will give us comfort.  He will help us see the pregnant lady walking down the street and give us the strength to smile because of that precious life growing inside.  He will let us feel the love of our families during this time of hardship.  He will reveal to us the importance of being honest during this time so others can speak truth to us.  All we have to do is seek him, all we need to do is seek truth.  The truth is...God IS with us!  He is our refuge and strength during times that we have absolutely no control of the outcome.  Whether it be infertility or an earthquake...  He will cover us in His love and grace and we must trust Him to do so.

Before I really opened up about my infertility, I felt so scared and so helpless.  But, once I opened up and talked about my story people started speaking truth into my life!  People started praying for me and the helplessness and fear started to melt away.  Fear still creeps in but now I am prepared.  Now I am aware of the truth and I do my best to dwell on it each day.  This is a battle we have to fight every single reject the thoughts if bitterness and self-pity and to see the truth. 

As a side-note...
 Please feel free to share this on Facebook and follow (I think you can do that?) if you are enjoying reading my story.

I want to share a devotional I am reading that has been a big help... it is called "31 Days of Prayer During Infertility" by Lisa Newton.  Although I enjoy reading her little devotions she has written I really like that she provides a lot of scripture.

Please feel free to share your stories.  If you are in need of prayer you can leave a comment with your name or email me at

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Now to the hope and faith part of this journey

Now that you know the backstory I can tell you about how I have handled all of this so far...

I don't know about you but as a little girl, all I wanted was to be a mommy.  I loved helping my little brother when he was a baby.  I loved to help out with the kids at church, babysitting, all of it.  I always dreamed about marrying my high school sweetheart and having babies right away!  I did marry my high school sweetheart but when it came time for the body was not working right.  A bunch of different emotions stirred...

My go to emotion is guilt... I always feel guilty, even when I have done nothing wrong.  So, naturally, I began thinking about my life and the mistakes I have made and I decided that I was being punished by God.  I thought to myself, He is withholding what I want most because I have not followed Him well.  If only I had lived my life better! This is wrong for SO many reasons.  First, nothing I can do will impact the love that God has for me.  God loves me no matter what.  The only person that walked this earth that was worthy of God's love is Jesus.  And only through Jesus' death on the cross am I saved and able to receive love and salvation from God.   Second, consider how many people (everyone technically) that has lived a sinful life but was able to have children.  God is not withholding children because of your past sins!  If that was the case... we would not be here!

Romans 8:1
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."

I know some women feel angry about infertility.  I have not gotten there yet and hopefully I will not experience anger.  But, I have had overwhelming sadness.  It creeps in at different times...  When I hear that another friend is pregnant, when I see the soon to be mommy at a grocery store, or when I consider my future and that I may never be able to experience pregnancy.  All of these times leave me feeling sad for myself.  But, we have to remember that God's plan is better than our plan.  Whether that means I do eventually get pregnant, we decide to adopt, or I remain childless... God has a plan.  His plan is good.

1 Chronicles 16:34
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!"

Psalm 33:20-21
"Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name."

Fear of the unknown.  At this point...I have no answers to what could be causing my infertility.  I am a planner.  I like to know what is going to happen, how it will happen, how I can prepare for what will happen, is there multiple routes to how this could happen, etc.  I NEED DETAILS!  I think this has been a great time for me to practice letting go.  Giving control completely to God (not that I have had a choice) and trusting His plan.  But, I will tell you, surrendering control of things (that are in or out of your control to begin with) is so incredibly freeing.  To think that this is what I have been missing out on!  It starts raining hot dogs...oh, no big deal.  God's got this.  Your body won't let you have babies...God's got this.  You can't find your shoe...God's got this.  It is truly that simple.  The amount of worry and stress that is removed when you practice this is unbelievable.  Now, this does not mean that I have perfected this by any means.  I still find myself googling for hours (not exaggerating) trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  But, once I snap out of it I am able to remind myself, "God's got this" and the stress lifts again. 

John 14:27 (spoken by Jesus)"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

It is easy to fall into jealousy.  You might feel jealousy towards the girl who got pregnant on her first try or your friend who has 4 kids (heck even just 1).  You may even feel it towards those who were going through infertility and then their treatment finally worked.  During this time, it is so important to be thankful.  Be thankful for anything and everything because a thankful heart has a harder time becoming a jealous/envious heart. 

Proverbs 14:30
"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

Today I want to leave you with one more thing.  This is something I have learned that is helpful for those trying to conceive and even those who were not trying to conceive...maybe they were not wanting to be pregnant at all and they wish they could take it back...
Pregnancy is no accident.  There is no such thing as an "unplanned pregnancy".  God plans each and every one.  I want to encourage you to share your story with others.  I know it can feel so personal and you feel so vulnerable when opening up because you don't know what people will say or do.  Some people won't know what to say and some people may not be very sensitive but some people will have a story.  In fact, most people will have a story.  Whether it be their personal story or a story of someone they know.  These stories are what taught me pregnancy is no accident.  People have stories about how they were trying for nine months before a positive pregnancy test, some people were told they would never have kids and years later they do, some people have done treatment after treatment and nothing worked but a few months later...after stopping all treatments they got pregnant!  It is obvious that God had a plan all along.  It is not wrong to seek treatment and it is not wrong to "give up" trying because if it is supposed to happen it will happen.  So make decisions for yourself on how you want to handle your infertility but, rest in God while you are doing it.  Give in to His plan.  Remind yourself everyday that He is in control and all you need to do is lean in to Him for guidance and strength. 

I hope you enjoyed this.  I hope it helped you in some way.  Please feel free to leave questions or comments (I think you can do that?).  I apologize for any grammatical errors... I am sure there were plenty!  :)

I will check-in with updates and thoughts as I continue on this journey of infertility.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."
-Romans 12:12

Me in a Nutshell

First off I would like to say that I am not a great writer.  Second, I am technologically challenged so I apologize if this blog is not laid out well. 

Now, if you are still with me, I promise to make this worth your time.  If you are anything like me you have searched everywhere for some peace of mind and some help to get through what you are going through.  My help comes from the Lord.  There is no help quite like His help.  I will use many Bible references but I am not by any means a Bible scholar. 

Okay, my life...
I am currently a special education teacher.  I am on my 6th year of teaching and I still truly love my job.  Don't get me wrong...there are times I am stressed to the max and wonder if I can keep going, but I do.  I love my students so much!  I can't imagine waking up and going to work somewhere else.  My students are a HUGE part of my life.

My husband is a construction worker.  He works long hours and often 6 day work weeks.  I don't know how he does it... but he does and I am so thankful for that!

My husband and I have been married for three years and we dated for five.  We got married on our five year anniversary which happened to be on a was weird but it was the PERFECT wedding... if you ask me. :)

Now to the infertility...
My husband and I decided last March that we would start trying for a baby.  We were hoping to find a home in the near future and figured it would take a while for me to get back to normal after coming off the pill.  Those first two months of coming off the pill were brutal.  I was having no signs of a period and was experiencing some mild pregnancy symptoms.  I kept telling myself that maybe this week would be a positive pregnancy test.  But each week was a negative and each week was another week without any signs of a period.  At about three months with no period I started to worry something was really wrong.  I was googling like crazy which is NEVER a good idea.  I finally decided to talk to my OBGYN.  I set up an appointment and had blood tests, sonograms, the whole shebang.  They told me that nothing looked super abnormal and that they were not worried that this was anything too serious.  They did say that the lining of my uterus was really thin and one of my hormones was at really low levels (I don't remember which one but it was what is most likely affecting my uterine lining).   They decided to put me on progesterone and some other pills/patches to force me to have a period and force me to ovulate.  I did not ovulate, at least that they detected, but I did have a period.  From what I have googled this was a good thing.  They were hoping to help my body "jump start" my cycle.  But, after weeks of waiting for my period to start up on it's own, it did not.  I went through around 4 (i have lost count) rounds of this and nothing.  I would have the withdraw period because of the progesterone pills but my body never started doing it on it's own.   Right now I am on day 58 of my "cycle" and there is no end in sight.  After my last appointment my OBGYN decided to refer me to a fertility specialist in Dallas.  I have an appointment scheduled in March.  At this point I just want answers...good or bad.