Now to the hope and faith part of this journey

Now that you know the backstory I can tell you about how I have handled all of this so far...

I don't know about you but as a little girl, all I wanted was to be a mommy.  I loved helping my little brother when he was a baby.  I loved to help out with the kids at church, babysitting, all of it.  I always dreamed about marrying my high school sweetheart and having babies right away!  I did marry my high school sweetheart but when it came time for the babies...my body was not working right.  A bunch of different emotions stirred...

GUILT
My go to emotion is guilt... I always feel guilty, even when I have done nothing wrong.  So, naturally, I began thinking about my life and the mistakes I have made and I decided that I was being punished by God.  I thought to myself, He is withholding what I want most because I have not followed Him well.  If only I had lived my life better! This is wrong for SO many reasons.  First, nothing I can do will impact the love that God has for me.  God loves me no matter what.  The only person that walked this earth that was worthy of God's love is Jesus.  And only through Jesus' death on the cross am I saved and able to receive love and salvation from God.   Second, consider how many people (everyone technically) that has lived a sinful life but was able to have children.  God is not withholding children because of your past sins!  If that was the case... we would not be here!

Romans 8:1
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."


SADNESS
I know some women feel angry about infertility.  I have not gotten there yet and hopefully I will not experience anger.  But, I have had overwhelming sadness.  It creeps in at different times...  When I hear that another friend is pregnant, when I see the soon to be mommy at a grocery store, or when I consider my future and that I may never be able to experience pregnancy.  All of these times leave me feeling sad for myself.  But, we have to remember that God's plan is better than our plan.  Whether that means I do eventually get pregnant, we decide to adopt, or I remain childless... God has a plan.  His plan is good.

1 Chronicles 16:34
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!"

Psalm 33:20-21
"Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name."

FEAR
Fear of the unknown.  At this point...I have no answers to what could be causing my infertility.  I am a planner.  I like to know what is going to happen, how it will happen, how I can prepare for what will happen, is there multiple routes to how this could happen, etc.  I NEED DETAILS!  I think this has been a great time for me to practice letting go.  Giving control completely to God (not that I have had a choice) and trusting His plan.  But, I will tell you, surrendering control of things (that are in or out of your control to begin with) is so incredibly freeing.  To think that this is what I have been missing out on!  It starts raining hot dogs...oh, no big deal.  God's got this.  Your body won't let you have babies...God's got this.  You can't find your shoe...God's got this.  It is truly that simple.  The amount of worry and stress that is removed when you practice this is unbelievable.  Now, this does not mean that I have perfected this by any means.  I still find myself googling for hours (not exaggerating) trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  But, once I snap out of it I am able to remind myself, "God's got this" and the stress lifts again. 

John 14:27 (spoken by Jesus)"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

JEALOUSY
It is easy to fall into jealousy.  You might feel jealousy towards the girl who got pregnant on her first try or your friend who has 4 kids (heck even just 1).  You may even feel it towards those who were going through infertility and then their treatment finally worked.  During this time, it is so important to be thankful.  Be thankful for anything and everything because a thankful heart has a harder time becoming a jealous/envious heart. 

Proverbs 14:30
"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

Today I want to leave you with one more thing.  This is something I have learned that is helpful for those trying to conceive and even those who were not trying to conceive...maybe they were not wanting to be pregnant at all and they wish they could take it back...
Pregnancy is no accident.  There is no such thing as an "unplanned pregnancy".  God plans each and every one.  I want to encourage you to share your story with others.  I know it can feel so personal and you feel so vulnerable when opening up because you don't know what people will say or do.  Some people won't know what to say and some people may not be very sensitive but some people will have a story.  In fact, most people will have a story.  Whether it be their personal story or a story of someone they know.  These stories are what taught me pregnancy is no accident.  People have stories about how they were trying for nine months before a positive pregnancy test, some people were told they would never have kids and years later they do, some people have done treatment after treatment and nothing worked but a few months later...after stopping all treatments they got pregnant!  It is obvious that God had a plan all along.  It is not wrong to seek treatment and it is not wrong to "give up" trying because if it is supposed to happen it will happen.  So make decisions for yourself on how you want to handle your infertility but, rest in God while you are doing it.  Give in to His plan.  Remind yourself everyday that He is in control and all you need to do is lean in to Him for guidance and strength. 

I hope you enjoyed this.  I hope it helped you in some way.  Please feel free to leave questions or comments (I think you can do that?).  I apologize for any grammatical errors... I am sure there were plenty!  :)

I will check-in with updates and thoughts as I continue on this journey of infertility.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."
-Romans 12:12