Growing and Learning

As a new Mom I have been learning a lot of new things.  I have learned that I can run on very little and broken up sleep, I can do a lot of things one handed, there are a lot of things I CAN'T do one handed, a tiny human can frustrate me, there really is such a thing as unconditional love, I am a selfish human being.  These are just a few of the things I have learned so far and I am sure I will learn a lot more.

I have always known I had selfish tendencies but having a baby has really opened my eyes to how selfish I really am.  Just two days ago I was particularly sleepy.  Getting up at four AM to do online teaching has taken more out of me than I thought it would... Anyway, it was FINALLY bedtime.  Winry sleeps great most nights but does not always nap well during the day and her afternoon/evenings are typically full of crying. So, bedtime rolls around and I can't wait to put her to bed so that I can have a little break before I go to bed.  I breastfeed her, get her nice and sleepy, and lay her down.  Five minutes later she starts to cry... I roll my eyes, let out a grunt and wait a minute to see if she will go back to sleep.  To my dismay, she doesn't.  She starts crying... I pick her up and hold her, trying to help her get sleepy again, BUT I am SO frustrated with her.  I think to myself, why can't she just go to sleep.  All I want is a little break.  I am exhausted.  I am doing so much, I deserve a little break!  Why does she have to do this when I am more sleepy than usual!?

Surely I am not the only one that feels this way sometimes?!?

If so, I probably look like a total jerk.

Anyway, after a few minutes of holding her and looking at that sweet face, I start to calm down.  I think about how I am who she relies on for EVERYTHING.  She is too young to self soothe and when she is upset she turns to me for her comfort.  I should be proud of that.  I should offer myself freely to her.  Giving her whatever she needs and doing so whenever...no matter how I feel and without being frustrated about it.

Then, I was reminded of the love God has for me.  Thankfully his love is perfect, unlike me... He never begrudgingly does something for me.  It is out of pure selfless love.  He does not throw a pity party.  His love for us is faultless.  When I come to him kicking and screaming, he comforts me.  When I need a shoulder to cry on, he is there.  He does these things despite my actions.  Even when I have done nothing for him, he is here.  

I can only hope that since my selfishness has been revealed to me I can do my best to fight it.  To fight those feelings of self pity.  But, I can also remember the grace of God during those moments and know that no matter how I feel, I am doing my best.  

I hope that I am not alone in this and I hope this post has helped all the other moms know that they are not alone.  We are all growing and learning together.  So let's be honest about how we feel.  Let's let others know that they are not alone.  Let's not be too quick to judge others.  Let's come together as moms and support each other.

Motherhood is an amazing thing but it can also be tiring, frustrating, and isolating.

Most importantly, know that no matter what, as long as you are doing your best, you are the perfect mom for your child.  And remember the grace of God in your "not so great" moments.  Keep up the good work!

Bonus pictures of our sweet rainbow baby...