Ups:
My cycles continued. They were a little longer than what is considered a typical cycle but I was able to track them for the most part.
On May 13th I finally got a positive pregnancy test! :) It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I could barely believe it when I saw those lines show up! I couldn't wait to tell Casey. We had planned on going to an early showing of the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I woke him up early to tell him. It was wonderful. The next day was Mother's day and we had already planned on having our moms over for dinner that night. We decided to go ahead and tell them even though it was early. It just seemed too perfect to not tell them.
On June 7th we had our first appointment and were able to see our sweet baby and it's precious heartbeat. I can't even put my feelings into words about this moment but it was absolutely incredible. We were surprised to hear that the baby was only measuring six weeks. Since I had been keeping track of everything I was pretty sure I was at least seven. But, they say your measurements can be off. I was feeling a tad uneasy but tried to brush the feeling off. The doctor scheduled us to come back in two weeks just to make sure everything was moving along like it should.
Initially I felt good about this appointment but the more I thought about it the more I worried. My doctor offhandedly mentioned that she did not want to set a due date and mentioned something about wanting to wait and make sure the pregnancy was viable. But again, I tried to remain positive.
Those two weeks of waiting were SO hard.
Downs:
At our second appointment we were taken straight back for the sonogram. I was so nervous I thought I might throw up. When she began the sonogram I could see her searching. I could see that there was not a larger baby like there should have been. Then she let us know that she needed to call our doctor down. At that moment we knew. We knew that our sweet baby did not make it.
I can't put into words all of the emotions I felt. I am thankful Casey was there to comfort me and hold me.
My doctor diagnosed me with a missed miscarriage and I had surgery on Monday, June 26th.
I had a little service that morning. I felt like I needed to do something in order to have closure. I sang "It is well"...or tried to at least, I read some scripture, said a prayer and wrote a letter to my sweet baby. It was sweet, it was heartbreaking, but I really feel it helped me to deal with the grief and pain from the loss. Thankfully the surgery went well. My doctor and all the nurses involved were so sweet, caring, and encouraging. I am so thankful for each one of them.
My family have all been so understanding through this time as well. I appreciate all of the calls from friends and family we have received. We love all of you so much!
So where in the world is the hope in this situation? How can I still have faith?
It is not something I can explain. But, I do. I have hope for the future and I still believe that even though I will never hold my sweet child or kiss their sweet face---God is good. He loves me and his heart aches when mine does. Although I won't be with my child in this life I have hope that I will one day. One day I will meet my sweet baby and hold them close.
But I am also sad. Unbelievably, overwhelmingly sad. I don't understand why...after almost a year of trying...I would get pregnant...and then lose it. It does not make sense.
But, God is in this. I have seen Him work. Two days before I found out that I lost the baby I read a devotional about rejoicing in our suffering. I almost did not read it because I was fearful God was speaking to me, preparing me for something that was about to happen. I wrote, with hesitation, "Suffering brings forth steadfastness and endurance. Through our trials we can see the work of God and His goodness is often revealed. This can help our faith during the next trial...helping us remain unshaken." I'm not sure how much of this is actually my words vs. the words from the devotional I read but either way this is great stuff. In all this mess God gave me just what I needed before I even knew I needed it.
I would love to say that I have remained unshaken but that is not true. I have questioned God's goodness and His love for me. I can only hope that this trial is helping me prepare for my next. Making my faith stronger...
On the note of God's goodness being revealed...
I had a friend visit me the Sunday before my surgery. She has had a miscarriage as well. She sat, she listened, she shared her struggles, we cried together, it was hard but it was nice to have someone that understood my hurt. She told me that her miscarriage was actually five years ago on that very day. God used her pain from her tragic loss to comfort a friend struggling because of a loss as well. So, even though she may have not seen God's plan...it was revealed that day. The same day she lost her baby five years before. If she had not gone through that experience she would not have been able to comfort me like she did.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching Supernatural the TV show. One of the characters said, "God does not give us more than we can handle". One of the other characters said, "that's bull sh**". I looked at Casey and I said, "I agree! I think God does give us more than we can handle. That way we have to lean on him to make it through."
So that is what I plan to do. Lean on Him in order to make it through. When the pain is too much and it feels like the tears won't stop... He is here. With me in the mess and devastation that this fallen world can bring. But he also saves. Because of Him I will one day be reunited with my baby.
For anyone that is experiencing loss or has experienced loss...I am sorry. There are no words. I only hope that you don't lose faith or hope. I pray that you will look to God. The only one that can truly comfort and ease the pain.
Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
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