Thursday, January 4, 2018

Hope in the Darkness

This has been a hard blog to write.  I know that some women will feel alone or forgotten when they read it.  I hope that instead they see the love of God shining through and remember that we all have different stories.  That even though they may find themselves in different circumstances they don't feel disheartened.  My outcome is not better than their outcome and I am not more "blessed" than they are.  God has a different story for all of us and I hope that we can love each other through our different life stories.  That just because God gives someone else what we want...that does not mean that He loves us any less or them any more.

So, now that I have said what I feel I needed to say, I hope this post offers hope to those looking for it.  That it reveals the love of God and his perfect plan for our lives.

The last post I made was after my miscarriage.  Just a short backstory for those of you that did not read my older posts... I struggled with unexplained infertility for about a year.  We tried multiple forms of medication to help but nothing did.  Shortly before we saw a fertility specialist my cycles came back.  We decided that instead of going forward with fertility treatments, we would try a few months on our own.  To our surprise, it worked!  We got pregnant on our own!  We went in for an early ultrasound...the baby did not measure on track and heartbeat was a little slow.  They had us come back in two weeks to check on the baby.  To our dismay, I had a missed miscarriage.  That basically means I had lost the baby but my body did not realize that.  I still had pregnancy symptoms and no sign of miscarriage.  I was confused.  Why would God allow us to get pregnant on our own after struggling with infertility and then lose the precious life he had given us...

The best thing I could find in my searching for answers is the fact that we live in a fallen world.  God is a giver a life but because this world is fallen, babies die.  Bad things happen.  But, I was able to find hope in the fact that no matter what, God is in control and he loves me.  Because of Him...I would be reunited with my sweet baby one day.  Even though I would not be with her on this earth, I would hold Felicity in heaven.

We decided to start trying for another baby as soon as the doctor approved and she said we just needed to wait for one cycle.  The month we got pregnant was a weird month and I had a hard time tracking my cycle "symptoms" to know when ovulation was happening.  I really thought I had missed it.  After a few weeks I noticed tender breasts...this was my first sign with the last pregnancy.  I tested for two weeks before FINALLY getting a positive.  I was filled with joy but overcome with anxiety all at once.  I just had to remind myself that nothing I did would make this pregnancy a success.  It was all in God's hands and I just had to live in the moment.  Be happy for what was happening right now.

One morning, before we started telling more people about the pregnancy, I prayed and asked God for some kind of sign.  My pregnancy symptoms were not very consistent which did not help with the anxiety.  When I got to work that day a coworker of mine told me she had something for me.  She said she had been working on it for a while but did not know originally who it would be for.  She said that the Lord told her it was for me.  She pulled it out and it was a pink baby blanket.  I could not believe it.  What a beautiful sign from God.  Even the pink was significant!  I am having a baby girl!  We would not find that out for a few weeks after receiving the blanket.

We had fun telling friends and family.  We had a gender reveal party to tell everyone we were having a girl and we also did a name reveal.  Her name is Winry Rose.  We already love sweet Winry so much!

Despite all the good... I still have my bad days.  Days filled with worry and anxiety.  This morning I came across a great verse that I feel anyone can benefit from no matter what is going on in their life.

Isaiah 40:31 "but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not faint."

So often, I look to myself when I am going through something hard.  I don't stop and look to the giver of peace and comfort.

You see, no matter your circumstances... whether you are longing to be a mother but fertility problems are making it difficult, whether you long to be a mother but doctors have told you that you can't possibly have a child of your own, maybe you have suffered a loss of an unborn child, maybe you suffered a loss of a born child, maybe you have five kids and had no issues whatsoever getting pregnant...all of us have had our struggles.  All of us find times where we have no hope, feel unloved, like God doesn't see us, like our cries are going unheard.  But, he does hear, he hurts when we hurt, He sees our struggles and it breaks His heart.  But, he gives a hope and peace, if we would just look to Him to find it.  If we would stop letting our circumstance determine how we feel.  He is here, waiting for us to look to Him for our strength.  He will comfort us when we don't understand His plan and I truly believe He can give is peace that surpasses all understanding.

I am praying for all of us.  That this year, no matter our circumstances we will look to Him and recognize the love He has for us despite our personal circumstances.  When I am overcome with anxiety I will remember how He has worked in my life...even when I was at my lowest, His love and peace was able to shine through... but only in the moments that I focused on Him.

On another note, Felicity's due date was January 31st.  Even though I am pregnant with a second baby, I can't help but think about what life would be like.  My belly would be HUGE and we would be awaiting Felicity's arrival in the next few weeks.  It breaks my heart to think about her.  To wonder what she would have been like.  What her personality would be.  Would she look more like me or Casey? Was she actually a boy!?  I really don't know if she was a she but I had a strong feeling I was having a that's what I am going with!  These questions won't be answered for a long time.

 I wanted to do something in honor of Felicity on what would have been her birth date.  So, if you would join me that would be awesome!  I want everyone to do something kind for someone but I want you to brag and post it online.  I am sure that day will not be easy for me but seeing your posts of the kindness you are spreading in the name of Felicity...that will make my day.  So if you will post about your kind gesture on January 31st and use the hashtag #felicitytapp, that would be great! :)

Thank you!


  1. Amanda, I understand this all too well. I, unfortunately, didn't enjoy my pregnancy with Charlee at all. I was drowning in fear and anxiety, to the point that my doctor put me on anxiety meds. Everett's due date was still excruciating, even though I was pregnant. Then when I had to have am emergency c section at 36 weeks, I was TERRIFIED. But she's here and healthy and perfect. She amazed the doctors with how well she did 3 weeks early and having been without much nurishment for the past few weeks due to a malfunctioning placenta. I say all this because, even with my anxiety, God was still in control. I look at her and am reminded of the hope we have in Christ. She doesn't replace her brother, as your baby won't replace Felicity, but it is amazing to look at that baby and think of how loving God is. I look at her and think, "wow, that's Everett's sister". It's so surreal. It completely changes you. Your baby is so loved and prayed over and will be so, so special to your whole family.

    1. Thank you for sharing! I am so happy for y'all and the birth of sweet Charlee!

  2. What a wonderful idea Amanda! I love that you are honoring Felicity. I don't know if those who go to Heaven ever see what's going on down here, but I feel like sometimes they do. I am sure this would make her smile. Love you!

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